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Me & My Pee

Me and my pee....

I’m sitting in the recliner, the one with the wooden arms that Chris hates but I adore. The leather is cold on my skin and the wooden arms press into my thigh muscles because my legs are curled up and resting against them. Chris is next to me playing Pokémon on the TV. He has 24 more to catch before he’s caught them all.

Tears drip down my face. No sobs, no heavy breathing, no sniffles. Just silent tears. They didn’t well up, there was no emotional trigger. These were tears of exhaustion.

It’s been ten days, and I still have to pee.

Tears from needing to go pee? I know that sounds dramatic, I’m living it, I understand I sound ridiculous telling you I’m exhausted from having to pee and then not actually having to pee.

I made light of it after a couple days in my pee problems story, I dragged myself to the minute clinic where they said they weren’t sure I had a UTI but I did have a lot of blood in my urine, so here, take these antibiotics for now and we’ll call you with the results. That was Sunday.

I was a good patient, I took my pills like clockwork, even though they weren’t helping. Wednesday they called and said to stop taking them. I don’t have an infection.

I called my primary doctor and made an appointment for the next morning. They took more pee and scheduled me for an ultrasound today. They called with my pee results Friday, still blood, continue on with the plan to get the ultrasound to see what the problem is.

I’m still not in any acute pain, I just feel like I have to pee. All. The. Time.

Does it sound like I’m being a whining baby? I’m sure it does, that’s how I feel.

The constant discomfort, with no moments of relief, start to wear on me though, and when I least expect it, these tears start dripping down my face. All from pee.

By Friday, I’m starting to have some lower back pain and my body feels generally weak. I’m so worn down I ask for a modification on one of my workouts, which I hardly ever do. Please CJ, don’t make me go outside in the cold and run suicides. At this point, I go to my sacred GRIT chat, my Team Never Quit friends and tell them I’m not feeling well. I need a pep talk, and this is the group who lifts me up when I need it.

Scott, the one who coined #teamneverquit says “don’t work out today, blood in your urine is serious.” What?! We are literally called “team NEVER quit”, I’m not going to quit! I do the minimum workout, take the running modification Saint CJ has given me and then I head to bed.

Saturday I did another minimal workout to stay compliant for GRIT and then I spent the rest of the day on the couch, in and out of sleep.

As I’m suffering with something as silly as pee, I started to think about people with chronic illness and how much respect and compassion I have for them. If something as simple as pee can bring me to tears in less than a week, how strong must all my friends be, the ones with MS, fibromyalgia, dystonia and every other unseen disorder.

I looked fine, but I felt miserable.

How many people are walking around all day, feeling miserable and not saying anything? Pushing though their jobs, their family responsibilities, their workouts, just sitting on the couch for goodness sake?

All my chronic illness warriors, I just want you to know, that my pee problems have given me the deepest pool of empathy for you. For all the days you’re pretending you’re fine when you’re not. For all the days the tears of exhaustion slide down your cheeks.

It’s also given me immense respect for your strength. You power through your days, through your pain and discomfort, because what choice do you have? You silently suffer as to not burden those around you.

My chronic illness friends, I want you to know that me and my pee, we see you and on the days when your tears are falling and you need a friend, send me a message. I know I can’t magically fix your pain, but I can at minimum let you know you’re loved.

I’m in awe of you. Me and my pee just want you to know that.

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