We aren't doing this to tell half truths, so here's my story....
This is 18 year old me at my graduation party. The graduation party I very well could have missed because when I was 16 I tried to kill myself.
My suicide attempt isn’t something I define myself by, I very rarely think about it at all, honestly. Chris asked me if I was going to share it and I hadn’t intended to. But we aren’t doing this to tell half truths so here’s my story.....
My teen years were troubled at home. I had a lot of responsibility on my shoulders to take care of my siblings because my parents were having very tough financial times which resulted in alcohol abuse. I was skipping school A LOT my junior year. Up to that point I was a straight A student. When the counselor confronted me on my missed school it was the proverbial “straw” for me. My teenage mind didn’t have enough life experience to see past the right now. I couldn’t see how it was possibly ever going to get easier. I took all the pills in the cabinet after school.
I was lucky. My friend dragged me to the hospital. I remember being incredibly cold and shaking, convulsing really, on the table in the ER. They removed all my clothes and put the warmest blankets I’d ever felt over me. I remember a lot of light. Blinding light. I remember vomiting from the charcoal.
Once I was awake and coherent again my boyfriend at the time came in the room and I remember being so embarrassed because my underwear was on the floor and I was naked under the blankets. You see, I was a really good girl. I would never want my boyfriend to know for a second I was naked under the blankets or God forbid see my underwear.
I remember the twins, my younger brother and sister, would not come past the doorway of the hospital room because they were young and scared. That wrecked me. I had scared them.
I’m speaking directly to any of you who have attempted to take your life. It’s not shameful. It DOES NOT DEFINE YOU. It’s a thing that happened in your life. Plain and simple. You are not a bad person. You are still worthy of love. Be grateful you are still here but forgive yourself. FORGIVE YOURSELF.